"The soul lies buried in the ink that writes."
-John Clare
The definition of "soul" is different to everyone. For me, the soul is the part of the body that lives on forever. Because I am a Christian, that part of the body will go up to heaven to be with God for eternity. However, I don't think that's the kind of soul this quote is talking about. I think the type of soul in this quote is that essence of "us." The thing that makes us who we are, the thing that we usually hide around everyone else. The soul in this quote is the part of us that we usually hide because "no one will accept me." So, then we just reinvent ourselves over and over.
Before too long, we have buried our soul in all the masks we wear--the school mask, the going to the store mask, the wife mask, the daughter mask, the mother mask. And before too long, that "soul" of ours begins to wonder "Just who exactly am I? Do I enjoy the things my parents have always believed I would enjoy, or do I enjoy the new things that my husband is showing to me?" (That is an exact quote from my own "soul".) This is a problem that I am currently running into. I know part of who I am but not the whole.
I know that I love my daughter and that I want to do better by her. I want to spend more time with her and be there for her. That is a part of my "mother mask" that is also a part of my true "soul." I know that I love my husband and that I want my husband to be more of a husband to me. Currently, he is still sleeping behind me (yes, even at this late hour), and I wish he would wake up earlier with me so we could spend time together. That is a part of my true "soul" that is part of my "wife mask." But there are parts of the mask that aren't really me.
My mother nags me a lot about how to raise my daughter. She insists that letting her sit around in her pjs all day is some form of neglect. Maybe she's right, and maybe she's not. Only CPS can tell me for sure, I suppose. Personally, if my daughter's not sitting in a stinky diaper or dirty clothes, but she's happy and warm and playing, sitting around in pjs is just fine. But part of my mask right now is to do as she says and dress my daughter every morning because I live in her home, and I cannot be my own person in her home. Why? I have no idea.
Another part of the masks that isn't part of my "soul" is my ability to let my husband do whatever he wants. He rarely helps around the house, barely plays with his daughter, spends little time with me, goes to work, comes home, and plays games the rest of the time. This makes my "soul" sad, but my "wife mask" will go on contentedly in life.
Lately, my masks have been cracking. I've been expanding my taste in music to things my mother doesn't recognize. The "daughter mask" is one of my oldest, thickest masks. I can't even imagine what she will think when I do move out and start doing things my own way. Perhaps she will be glad to see that I'm starting to develop a self. Or perhaps she'll think she knows me better still and complain that I'm not being me. At one point, she even stated that my possibility of having Asperger syndrome was simply something that came up because of my pregnancy. Yes, I'm still trying to work that one out myself.
But back to the quote--"buried in the ink that writes." I journal. A lot. Obviously, because that's what this blog is all about. I'm not quite sure what I'm going to do when my 85 journal tips run out, but again, I'm side-tracking myself. Because I spend so much time hidden behind my masks, I journal to free my true "soul." I think if my mother ever read any of my journals, she might feel as if the daughter she's reading about is a completely different person. Well, that's because the outside shell is a different person.
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| Image borrowed from Dissertation Writing Guru |
Journaling allows us to be free. It lets us take off the masks and be who we want to be. My "soul" is buried deep within pens (at this moment, pens of every color--specifically Paper Mate InkJoy 100 pens), and when I write, I free that ink which carries my soul. Now, I wouldn't say that my soul is literally in the pen. I would simply say that the ink holds the ability to let me free my soul, to write whatever comes to my mind, to give me the strength and the power to rip off each and every one of my masks so that I can be exactly who I want to be.
Photos on the internet aren't free just because you Google them. Maybe you don't know who exactly the image is copyrighted by because you took it from a site, but not citing is stealing. So, if you don't know the original copyright, state where you found the image like I did with my little image in this entry. If you use your own images, claim the copyrights so people can know where the pictures came from.
Hi Natasha, I found you through Mari's FB page. Thank you for writing this. You certainly hit the nail on the head!! I truly feel the same way but could never figure it out!! I just started Mari's 27 day challenge! I look forward to reading more of your future Blog posts!! Write On!!
ReplyDeleteBlessings from a sister in Christ♥
Kris