Journal Tip #41: Awakenings

Because of copyright laws, etc., I don't want to post the quotes and actual journal tips in my blog. Instead, you can find 100+ free journaling tips from Mari here, and you can buy the same journal I am using here.

There are many things I could say regarding expectations, beliefs, and how they have effected who I am and who I might have become in comparison to who I have become. For one thing, I was raised a Christian. I would like to say that at one point I was that average conservative Christian girl who decided sex was going to be after marriage, babies would be after marriage, etc., etc. It was what my parents expected of me, and it was something I actually expected of myself for a long time. Then I went to college. I did not go to college at the average age of 18. In fact, I started going to college at 16 because I was so smart, my mother--who began to home school me in high school--could not keep up with me and my equally-brilliant sister. She sent us off to the local community college where we just blossomed.

I graduated in 2007 (18 years old) with my Associate's Degree. I "graduated" high school in 2006. (I say "graduated" because I didn't receive my diploma for another year or so.) I moved on to my Bachelor's Degree soon after my Associate's. It began with The Master's College, which is a very conservative Christian college. This is perhaps the first spot I could pinpoint the discovery that I was no longer that conservative Christian girl. Sure, I still had the same idea of sex after marriage, etc., but I was open to other possibilities too. I didn't last very long at this college two hours away from my home. I moved on to California State University of San Bernardino.

My grades began failing from the start. The failing increased when I met my first and only boyfriend in November of 2008. By May of 2009, we were expecting our first baby. Yes, I am completely serious. My parents had higher expectations for me--college first, marriage, baby, etc. Obviously, I had a different, stupider idea in mind. However, I will say this: if I had followed my parents' expectations, would I have fallen for this dorky, gamer boy that I am now married to? Would I have this adorable daughter that everyone falls in love with at first sight? There's no way to know. So, by June of 2009, it was obvious that I would not be returning to CSUSB. I returned to VVC for a time before transferring to University of La Verne in 2010.

No one in my family knew much about University of La Verne. We know no one that has graduated from there, and we were completely unaware that a regional campus was sitting not too far from my home. I applied with the hope that I could quickly finish my teaching degree to give myself, my husband, and my darling daughter a better life. My parents frown upon my idea of being the working mother while my husband stays at home to clean house and care for our daughter. They're terrified of this plan and continually try to talk me out of it. I have stopped talking to them about it altogether out of angry annoyance. I have 3 reasons for really liking my plan: 1) I AM NOT A HOUSE MOM. I HATE CLEANING. 2) Who's better prepared to get a job and make the most money so we can get back on our feet faster? ME. 3) I HATE WELFARE.

So, even though University of La Verne is more expensive, it's likely that I will be graduating from this college in December with my Bachelor's degree. I have an idea to return to CSUSB to do my credentialing, but I am planning to discuss this with a transfer counselor first because I am also thinking about returning to CSUSB for my Bachelor's Degree. My parents and I both like this idea because 1) my mom graduated from CSUSB, 2) it's cheaper meaning more financial aid coming to me to help me pay off the ten billion* credit cards I have (* exaggerated number), and 3) my sister just recently graduated from there in December of 2011 with a psychology degree. However, I do have some cons to this plan to transfer: the classroom size is larger, I take classes with the same students in every class meaning a deeper relationship with my classmates, and my school is only 7 miles away instead of 40.

I'm starting to wonder if I'm letting go of everything that isn't me or just explaining who I am. Because I've already started to let go of everything that isn't me. I'm NOT the conservative Christian girl. I'm NOT the usual house mom. I DIDN'T marry the guy my parents instantly approved of. I DID do things backward. I DO have a weird idea in mind for my future that my parents don't approve of. And I DON'T want to listen to every damn piece of advice my parents have in mind for me.

I can see why I was so drawn to blogging this instead of journaling it. If this were my diary, half of this wouldn't have been written out because my hand would've cramped halfway through this. I am looking forward to continuing this journey. Not even this entry has been fully explored, but I'm afraid at 1:40 am, I must insist that I go to bed.