85 Journaling Tips:: beliefs

Friday, March 9, 2012

Journal Tip #13: Body and Soul

"The soul lies buried in the ink that writes."

-John Clare

The definition of "soul" is different to everyone. For me, the soul is the part of the body that lives on forever. Because I am a Christian, that part of the body will go up to heaven to be with God for eternity. However, I don't think that's the kind of soul this quote is talking about. I think the type of soul in this quote is that essence of "us." The thing that makes us who we are, the thing that we usually hide around everyone else. The soul in this quote is the part of us that we usually hide because "no one will accept me." So, then we just reinvent ourselves over and over.

Before too long, we have buried our soul in all the masks we wear--the school mask, the going to the store mask, the wife mask, the daughter mask, the mother mask. And before too long, that "soul" of ours begins to wonder "Just who exactly am I? Do I enjoy the things my parents have always believed I would enjoy, or do I enjoy the new things that my husband is showing to me?" (That is an exact quote from my own "soul".) This is a problem that I am currently running into. I know part of who I am but not the whole.

I know that I love my daughter and that I want to do better by her. I want to spend more time with her and be there for her. That is a part of my "mother mask" that is also a part of my true "soul." I know that I love my husband and that I want my husband to be more of a husband to me. Currently, he is still sleeping behind me (yes, even at this late hour), and I wish he would wake up earlier with me so we could spend time together. That is a part of my true "soul" that is part of my "wife mask." But there are parts of the mask that aren't really me.

My mother nags me a lot about how to raise my daughter. She insists that letting her sit around in her pjs all day is some form of neglect. Maybe she's right, and maybe she's not. Only CPS can tell me for sure, I suppose. Personally, if my daughter's not sitting in a stinky diaper or dirty clothes, but she's happy and warm and playing, sitting around in pjs is just fine. But part of my mask right now is to do as she says and dress my daughter every morning because I live in her home, and I cannot be my own person in her home. Why? I have no idea.

Another part of the masks that isn't part of my "soul" is my ability to let my husband do whatever he wants. He rarely helps around the house, barely plays with his daughter, spends little time with me, goes to work, comes home, and plays games the rest of the time. This makes my "soul" sad, but my "wife mask" will go on contentedly in life.

Lately, my masks have been cracking. I've been expanding my taste in music to things my mother doesn't recognize. The "daughter mask" is one of my oldest, thickest masks. I can't even imagine what she will think when I do move out and start doing things my own way. Perhaps she will be glad to see that I'm starting to develop a self. Or perhaps she'll think she knows me better still and complain that I'm not being me. At one point, she even stated that my possibility of having Asperger syndrome was simply something that came up because of my pregnancy. Yes, I'm still trying to work that one out myself.

But back to the quote--"buried in the ink that writes." I journal. A lot. Obviously, because that's what this blog is all about. I'm not quite sure what I'm going to do when my 85 journal tips run out, but again, I'm side-tracking myself. Because I spend so much time hidden behind my masks, I journal to free my true "soul." I think if my mother ever read any of my journals, she might feel as if the daughter she's reading about is a completely different person. Well, that's because the outside shell is a different person.

Image borrowed from
Dissertation Writing Guru

Journaling allows us to be free. It lets us take off the masks and be who we want to be. My "soul" is buried deep within pens (at this moment, pens of every color--specifically Paper Mate InkJoy 100 pens), and when I write, I free that ink which carries my soul. Now, I wouldn't say that my soul is literally in the pen. I would simply say that the ink holds the ability to let me free my soul, to write whatever comes to my mind, to give me the strength and the power to rip off each and every one of my masks so that I can be exactly who I want to be.

Photos on the internet aren't free just because you Google them. Maybe you don't know who exactly the image is copyrighted by because you took it from a site, but not citing is stealing. So, if you don't know the original copyright, state where you found the image like I did with my little image in this entry. If you use your own images, claim the copyrights so people can know where the pictures came from.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Journal Tip #41: Awakenings

Because of copyright laws, etc., I don't want to post the quotes and actual journal tips in my blog. Instead, you can find 100+ free journaling tips from Mari here, and you can buy the same journal I am using here.

There are many things I could say regarding expectations, beliefs, and how they have effected who I am and who I might have become in comparison to who I have become. For one thing, I was raised a Christian. I would like to say that at one point I was that average conservative Christian girl who decided sex was going to be after marriage, babies would be after marriage, etc., etc. It was what my parents expected of me, and it was something I actually expected of myself for a long time. Then I went to college. I did not go to college at the average age of 18. In fact, I started going to college at 16 because I was so smart, my mother--who began to home school me in high school--could not keep up with me and my equally-brilliant sister. She sent us off to the local community college where we just blossomed.

I graduated in 2007 (18 years old) with my Associate's Degree. I "graduated" high school in 2006. (I say "graduated" because I didn't receive my diploma for another year or so.) I moved on to my Bachelor's Degree soon after my Associate's. It began with The Master's College, which is a very conservative Christian college. This is perhaps the first spot I could pinpoint the discovery that I was no longer that conservative Christian girl. Sure, I still had the same idea of sex after marriage, etc., but I was open to other possibilities too. I didn't last very long at this college two hours away from my home. I moved on to California State University of San Bernardino.

My grades began failing from the start. The failing increased when I met my first and only boyfriend in November of 2008. By May of 2009, we were expecting our first baby. Yes, I am completely serious. My parents had higher expectations for me--college first, marriage, baby, etc. Obviously, I had a different, stupider idea in mind. However, I will say this: if I had followed my parents' expectations, would I have fallen for this dorky, gamer boy that I am now married to? Would I have this adorable daughter that everyone falls in love with at first sight? There's no way to know. So, by June of 2009, it was obvious that I would not be returning to CSUSB. I returned to VVC for a time before transferring to University of La Verne in 2010.

No one in my family knew much about University of La Verne. We know no one that has graduated from there, and we were completely unaware that a regional campus was sitting not too far from my home. I applied with the hope that I could quickly finish my teaching degree to give myself, my husband, and my darling daughter a better life. My parents frown upon my idea of being the working mother while my husband stays at home to clean house and care for our daughter. They're terrified of this plan and continually try to talk me out of it. I have stopped talking to them about it altogether out of angry annoyance. I have 3 reasons for really liking my plan: 1) I AM NOT A HOUSE MOM. I HATE CLEANING. 2) Who's better prepared to get a job and make the most money so we can get back on our feet faster? ME. 3) I HATE WELFARE.

So, even though University of La Verne is more expensive, it's likely that I will be graduating from this college in December with my Bachelor's degree. I have an idea to return to CSUSB to do my credentialing, but I am planning to discuss this with a transfer counselor first because I am also thinking about returning to CSUSB for my Bachelor's Degree. My parents and I both like this idea because 1) my mom graduated from CSUSB, 2) it's cheaper meaning more financial aid coming to me to help me pay off the ten billion* credit cards I have (* exaggerated number), and 3) my sister just recently graduated from there in December of 2011 with a psychology degree. However, I do have some cons to this plan to transfer: the classroom size is larger, I take classes with the same students in every class meaning a deeper relationship with my classmates, and my school is only 7 miles away instead of 40.

I'm starting to wonder if I'm letting go of everything that isn't me or just explaining who I am. Because I've already started to let go of everything that isn't me. I'm NOT the conservative Christian girl. I'm NOT the usual house mom. I DIDN'T marry the guy my parents instantly approved of. I DID do things backward. I DO have a weird idea in mind for my future that my parents don't approve of. And I DON'T want to listen to every damn piece of advice my parents have in mind for me.

I can see why I was so drawn to blogging this instead of journaling it. If this were my diary, half of this wouldn't have been written out because my hand would've cramped halfway through this. I am looking forward to continuing this journey. Not even this entry has been fully explored, but I'm afraid at 1:40 am, I must insist that I go to bed.